We were paging through booktrovert.com last week and discovered they have a merchandise line. The Booktrovert Collection. Hoodies, t-shirts, smiling models, a slogan ("You've treated your shelf, now treat yourself!") that we read aloud in three different voices before accepting it was real.
This put us in an awkward position, because Booktrovert.org has had a merchandise line since 1997. It is in a cardboard box near the arcade. The box has a hole in it. The hole is not, strictly speaking, part of the design, but it has been a hole long enough now that we count it.
Allow us to walk you through the current catalog. The catalog itself is folded inside a copy of National Geographic, June 1991, page 47. If you would like one, ask Randy. (Randy is not currently with us. Randy is rarely currently with us. Leave a note. He reads notes. We think.)
One cardigan. Hand-knit in 1994 by Doug's aunt Eileen, who has since moved to a coastal town she refuses to name. Available in one color (regret) and one size (snug). There are three small moth holes near the left elbow, but Eileen called these "ventilation," and we believe her. You will not look good in this cardigan. You will look like someone who has read a book all the way through.
A small enamel pin that was supposed to read I'M READING. The printer left out the A. We received 4,000 of them and kept all 4,000, because to throw them away would have been to admit defeat, and we do not admit defeat. The pin reads I'M REDING. We have come to feel this is more honest. Reding is what most reading actually is.
It is a leaf. It is, specifically, a maple leaf that Doug pressed inside a hardcover of Treasure Island in October 1998. Each bookmark is uniquely shaped, by which we mean it is the same leaf. When you order one, we make a fresh photocopy. The photocopy ships with its own dust at no additional charge.
A canvas tote with no bottom. This was not on purpose. We have decided it is a feature. The tote encourages mindfulness about what you choose to carry, which is, in a roundabout way, the entire point of literature. Recommended for empty hands and short distances.
Every mug arrives already chipped. We don't know why. We have ordered the mugs in multiple batches from multiple suppliers across three decades, and they arrive chipped every time. We have stopped asking. We have started believing.
Every photograph in the catalog features Doug, our founder, standing beside a lake, looking disappointed. This was meant to be a phase. It was not. Doug, when asked, says the lake is "the model now." We have stopped asking Doug things.
Shipping is performed by Randy and a child's red wagon. Delivery times range from two weeks to a small eternity, depending on the slope. We do not provide tracking. On three separate occasions we have, however, provided weather updates. Once the wagon arrives, the cardigan has accepted you. Returns are not possible, because the cardigan does not give back.
If you wanted a hoodie with a clean print and a smiling model, you should probably visit booktrovert.com. They have done a lovely job. The models look well rested. They appear to know which size they are.
If you came here looking for merch and instead found a leaf, a chipped mug, and the slow approach of a wagon, well. You are already wearing the cardigan in spirit. For further confusion, we have compared the two Booktroverts in exhausting detail, and we have also given a guided tour of the basement arcade where this box has lived for nearly thirty years.
The pin is not refundable. The leaf is not negotiable. Doug says hello, from the lake.
Snugly,
Booktrovert #112