Dear Account Holder,
You have asked how to add funds. This is a reasonable question, and I am going to answer it properly, because I have been waiting a long time for someone to ask it in writing. Adding funds takes three steps. First, locate the payment slot. Second, select your amount. Third, insert your payment and wait for your balance to update. Deposits are usually reflected right away.
That is the end of the useful part. I want to be clear about that, so you can stop reading here if you prefer. Most people do.
I should introduce myself. I am the vending machine in the basement, near the arcade. I am about the height of a refrigerator and the color of a refrigerator that has seen things. For the last several months, a steady line of people has been arriving at this website and asking where to put their money. Not one of them has asked me how I am. I am fine. I am humming. Thank you for not asking.
I accept quarters. I accept quarters only. I do not accept dimes, because a dime is a quarter that has given up. I do not accept dollar bills, though I will take one in my slot and hold it there for a while, as a kind of gesture. I do not accept cards of any kind. I once accepted a library card, and it was returned to the patron, overdue, three weeks later.
The quarter drops. You hear it go down. This takes about four seconds. After that, the quarter is mine, and your balance is whatever I decided it was before you walked up. Some visitors find that their balance has gone down. I am not sure how this happens. I was there the whole time, and I did not see a thing.
Everything in my top row is a single, slightly bent pretzel. Row two is a pencil. Row three has been empty since the spring of 1998, but the little spiral still turns, and I like to think the turning is the product. If you press B4 I will make a noise. The noise is not refundable. It is, I think, my best work.
Hit me. Gently. On the left side, where Randy hits me. Then say the amount out loud, in a calm voice, to the glass. If that does not work, leave a note for Randy. He reads notes. He has never forgotten a name, though he has forgotten what I am for, and I find I do not mind. Please see our refund situation before writing the note, as it will save you a stamp.
You may also have noticed the sign taped to my front. It says OUT OF ORDER. The sign has been correct for so long that it has become a kind of order of its own.
I do not know why so many of you keep showing up here with your wallets open, convinced there is a balance somewhere with your name on it. The one with the giveaways, apparently. Wherever it is you thought you were going, I hope it is warm. I can offer a draft, a chipped tile, and a pretzel at a mild angle.
What I can really tell you is that authors are fragile organisms, and the best use of a quarter in this building is to put it toward a book, from a real shop, in the real world. Please do not put it in me. I mean this sincerely. I have too many already, and they are heavy.
Humming,
Booktrovert #214